hi, i'm sebastian. i like french novels, alan clarke, archaeology, an ever rotating roster of horror films and television, and dreaming my life away. this site is an archive of my silly whims.
october 28, 2024
sleep eludes me. i spend all my time trying to extract a single complex thought from the bombardment of sounds and images constantly assailing my mind. the quiet murmurs and the loud groans of a life lived on autopilot aren't as frightening as the silence. the only thing i fear is the silence as i try to let my body relax into the mattress
october 23, 2024
i didn't allow two months to lapse intentionally. oh well. not much to report. i've started testosterone - something that i've been looking forwards to for years, without ever actually believing that it would happen to me. that being said, i dont feel anything yet. i envy the people around me who seem to go through their lives without all this desperation. i will never be happy. i understand that i will never be happy. and yet it doesnt feel fair. i cant bring myself to comprehend the fundamental differences between myself and other people. i must be honest though - id hate to be like them. deep, deep down, below the layers of self-loathing and ironic detatchment, i secretly believe myself to be better than these people. i'm not proud of this.
august 24, 2024
i feel like ive been suspended in formaldehyde. as the remaining weeks of summer dwindle away and the spectre of my sophomore year inches ever closer, i'm starting to doubt that i'll ever do anything with my life that i'll feel good about. these weeks haven't just been weeks, they've been months and years --- if i don't act soon, they'll become my entire life. today i was sitting in a cafe, letting myself slump over into a delicate pose supported by the tension on my wrists, chin, and spine. i still have my youth, whatever that means, but i haven't the foggiest idea what i'm meant to be doing with it.